He says I need to write and reflect. I don’t want to and I feel like crawling into a ball and hiding. i feel like nothing. I feel like an empty pot that someone is scarping the bottom of looking for more . This feels like a punishment of the worst sorts from everyone.
I feel like I am not equipped to be someones partner or wife or what ever. I am independent and all that feminist bullshit. I’ve been in charge since I started talking and I don’t want to. It feels better when other people are in charge. Maybe thats the solution. Maybe I should find some man to tie me up in his basement and that can be my less complicated life. But that is bullshit.
He was a shell when we married. He would do anything i asked – it was convenient but it didn’t feel good . He broke out of that and it felt better. He started to stand his ground and it was better. He became more of a person. But we’ve never been together like we are now. We’ve never lived in a home together in a town we plan on living in for a significant period of time. Hes loving and supportive and I am where I am in life because of him. I’ll get farther because of him- but I don’t need him.
I think he wants me to need him. But doesn’t it mean more that I am choosing him?I don’t need him but I want him. i want this life with him. I want to better communicate with him. I don’t know how. I say the worst thing at the worst times. When i try to say something better it makes it worst. So I don’t know what to do but just stop talking. I feel like the fucking clique of those who can do- and those that can’t teach. I can sit with a couple and see their issue and give them directions on how to fix it. I can’t see this clearly and feel like everything I do to fix it fucks it.
Poly Failure 