Squaring up what it means to be a feminist

The deeper I get into kink the more I find I am forced to confront some of my feminist ideals or brain washing. I was raised by a rampant feminist that instructed me to believe a woman was independent above all and should never ever allow a man to control her in any shape or form. To compound on that foundation – I grew up among the 90s grrrl rock bands that preached rampant and fierce independence from men.
As a result of my upbringing the thoughts that populate my brain are as follows- Women must be on equal footing to a man in a relationship- especially in the bed room. Women must not be depend on a man. Women should like sex but only that which is empowering and never ever degrading or humiliating. Women must, women must, women must…
I’ve known from a young age that I was attracted to sex that involved some sorta of BDSM element and in my fantasies I was on the side of receiving and never had me directing or giving any pain. This info did not and does not fit with the feminist ideals that posses my brain. It would be “feminist” for me to beat the crap out of man- but it felt like a betrayal to say I wanted the reverse.
Interestingly enough living a poly life’s style has not caused me any distress around these ideals. It’s also allowed me to explore this side of myself that I had keep at a distance. My husband is not vanilla but has never wanted to beat the tar out of me. Recently I met a man that is happy to oblige. He is a full fledged Dom – and this relationship although new feels like what I need. In the past I thought I was a bottom looking for a top- turns out I was really looking for a Dom.
This relationship throws a huge monkey wrench into my brain forcing me to rethink some of my ideals or women should thoughts. When he says “good girl” – I melt. I don’t mind and find I am even enjoying calling him sir. He is not a Dom that wants me to be dependent on him and wants me to put my family first. He however demands control and submission. He is in charge of any and all bedroom activities and that feels right. When he gives me commands it excites and encourages me.
I am saying this out loud as a means to force myself to accept that which is true. And in truth I think the most feminist thing I can do is embrace who I am.